Political Shocker Leads Blogger to Wild Speculation

while bearing in mind that there is actually NO journalistic integrity to what I am about to thoughtlessly, tastelessly publish on the internet....

I would like to speculate on - what else - possible reasons for Gov. Sarah Palin's (R) rapid departure from the wild world of Alaskan politics.

MSNBC's Andrea Mitchell is reporting that sources close to the governor say she is out of politics, local or national for good. Her own rambling speech paterns should have decided that by now. It has also been widely reported that an 'iceberg scandal' is about to break, rendering Gov. Palin legally and pysically unable to effectively govern. NBC's Anne Curry tweeted "Gov. Palin: "This is in Alaska's best interest, my family's happy... it is good, stay tuned.."

Oh....we will....

Top ten reasons Palin may be stepping down:

10. After years of railing on about faith and family values, Gov. Palin has broken the vows of her marriage to first dude Todd with Fox New's own Greta Van Sustern. The obviously smitten anchor met Gov. Palin last year in her home for the first time when she followed the politician on her program. Van Sustern did everything but suck her dick right on air.

9. Gov. Palin was caught poaching the quickly declining King Salmon in the river outside her home. She was photographed by a reputable news agency ripping the fish from the stream with her teeth. Impressive as it was, it was still against the laws and policies of Alaska's fish and game.

8. Bristol and famed funny-man David Letterman are expecting a love child. This news comes on the heels of Gov. Palin's crucifixion of Letterman last month- not exactly a great welcome to the family, and one that will take significant adjustment.

7. Gov. Palin stubbed her big toe, and is now unsure of her ability to take Pres. Obama in a marathon as she claimed she would be last month.

6. In response to Gov. Palin's same-sex infidelity, Todd Palin has pledged his devotion to former Sen. Larry Craig (R) and now both have written of their intentions to go to Washington and lobby for same-sex marriage and equality rights. There is speculation that Dark Lord Cheney will be along as an advisor.

5. It was finally explained in short, simple phrases to Gov. Palin that the russian orthodox church near her home was not a part of Russia. Devastated, she acknowledged that she had no international political experience and was an unfit leader.

4. After month's of trashing the press for being mouthpieces for the left and wrecking her vice-presidential chances, she was over-heard on microphone after a press conference admitting the liberal press were her best friends, and the ones 'keeping her star shining.'

3. While it has been apparent for some time now that Gov. Palin is in no way an advocate for women's rights, the extremity of her views was not known until now. It appears a story will break detailing her relationship with cancer, and her vicious co-attempt to take down Justice Ginsberg, thusly eradicating all women from decision making posts on the court.

2. While passing through an airport, the controversial new full body imaging X-ray machines being tested by the TSA revealed what many have suspected all along- Sarah Palin is a man- and she's got the coin purse to prove it.

And the no. 1 reason for Palin's sudden departure from the national political scene is...

1. While Gov. Palin still has a fully functional human body, her brain was surgically removed and replaced with a robotic one controlled by Jerry Falwall. While the robotic brain did prove to be better than the original, and has been credited with much of Gov. Palin's success, it was responsible for erratic speech patterns and annoying folksy catch phrases that she often repeated incessantly in glitch phases. The robotic part was said to be going more and more haywire, and it was the decision of Mr. Falwell to come clean before the Gov. and her robotic brain became responsible for deploying the Alaska National Guard to do battle against the enemies of God. Sources say he would have allowed this to happen but became suddenly afraid that he would be targetted.

A little philosophy on a Tues. night

So remember that blog post I had where I wasn't sure about things...but then I was? This is kindof a follow up...

We all make decisions in our lives. I have this weird tendancy to make many life-changing ones very rapidly. I figure if drastically changing my hair doesn't shake my life up enough, its time to go to extremes. I never thought I would say this, because by nature, I am no wilting flower, but I think in many cases I have been too passive in my life to this point, and given people more control than they were warranted.

Today I was driving home and I saw (or rather heard) a couple fighting...well really the girl (could not have been more than 19) was getting yelled at. Sworn at. Violently berated. There were tons of people around the lot, so I pulled up and nicely said that he should think about cooling it. I seriously could not stand this guy, and he got under my skin...swore at me, and rushed my car window. The girls response- "Don't talk to strangers like that." No honey...don't talk to anyone like that. I offered her a ride somewhere and she declined...I wish she had not because I'm sure she will get hit. To that girl...I am sorry-I hope you find wisdom and get the hell out of there. There was another man who watched them as they walked after I had to leave. To the man- other people are watching your behavior, and if your gf wont call the cops on you, someone else will. The point is, I dont think I would have even tried to do anything before, and that is such crap.

Here I have learned some new kind of aggression. I got hired for a job with it, I have made a lot of new friends with it...It is working for me. Stella got her groove back...

Meanwhile, my calves are killin' me, I'm learning to sleep with the sun up, and I am being healthier than I have been in a long time. Here's some new pics...

Sunset over our balcony

Lake Eklutna...the greens are incredible...

Seward, AK- My day as a very touristy tourist....

It might be 5 am...but Im goofy excited....

Ok so I am not generally one to be like a total fanny-pack and camera tourist, but when it has to be done, it has to be done. Mo and I hauled our cookies down to Seward on a whim and hopped the day cruiser Aialik, with Captain Bob, a delightful old man and his not altogether unattractive crew...there were only 18 people on board including crew, so that was kinda cool.

Me and Mo onboard the Aialik

The weather patterns here are non-existant I have gathered. It was supposed to be overcast with a high in the high fifties, but it was an absolutely bluebird day instead, and I was very happily perched on the hull of the boat at 25 knots with just a sweatshirt...which is good...because I planned on packing my leather bomber...but apparently it stayed in MI. I will come to regret that at some point...

Anyway, the trip was amazing, barring the 45 minute wait for constuction on AK1..the drive there and back was stunning. We saw a very small speck of a bear, goats, sheep, orcas, humpbacks, puffins, seals, arctic terns, sea lions, cormorants, eagles (bald and golden) and I finally got my damned moose on camera! Take that Alaska! I think we also decided to rent a hitch and a pop-up and do the next leg as weirdo tourists in Denali...yes...It will happen. Or maybe we will hotel it...we'll see.

But here is a quick highlight reel of the day...

Everything is so delightfully low-budg here...

As Gov. Palin justifies her veto of more than 26 mil clams aimed at an energy efficient infrastructure, and I read comments about people bagging about their tax dollars being mis-allocated...I realize a cultural anomaly up here...passable is ok here...if it works, it works; even if it is mediocre. They really don't pay much in the way of taxes at all...no sales tax, no state income tax...and though the cost of living is a little higher, most people get by on less.

This leads me to the fab commercials here. People do not pay for advertising...or rather they pay for the time slot and then stick some home video schlock in there and expect it to sell...and it does.

Let me tell you- media producers not from here would be well out of their element. They woud make some well-written, nicely shot commercial, stick it on the TV, and then no one would respond because it was too well done, and is therefore for snobs, and automatically too pricey. I am not sure if this is something I find to be nice, or something I find to be horribly irritating.

I must say I love the old man from the Mattress Ranch commercials.



There are several others...all of them equally fantastic...and rediculous...

But the point is, this is something that I find to be somewhat bizzare. Grand Rapids is by no means a huge market, but it is not small either. I think the quality is pretty consistant with other media markets I am familiar with- Milwaukee, Chicago, South Bend- they all have fairly good production quality. We are not too far beyond forcasts with magneted partly cloudy slap-ons.

I don't say this to be bitchy at all...after all, does the average person get something different from a doppler image in real time than they get from magnets on an alaska-shaped white board? I don't really understand the weather patters here to get a radar image anyway...at home I do...so I see a big difference from newscast to newscast. The wider question, however, is how much added benefit do we get from spending more on fancy commercials and news production. I mean...are we paying so much more in overhead to pay for ads that its not really worth it? Clearly in Alaska the answer is yes. At home I am not so sure...I do like shiny things...but I am also kinda cheap...like a dutchman...you learn it up there in Dutchville...Maybe we are all just buying in to some cultural projection that doesn't or shouldn't exist.

WTF

Today I saw a moose on Elmendorf AFB and didn't have my camera. That is all.

Mixed feelings are gone...

In my life to this point, uncertainty in myself has not been a problem for me. I had 5 minutes of uncertainty when I chose a college, maybe a minute and a half while deciding to break up with someone over their parents, and like, .2 seconds when I was buying my first car. In this regard, this moving 4,000 miles away business was the most uncertain I have been about anything ever. Days and days of uncertainty- hard to deal with when you are so unacustomed to the feeling... I know that it was the right choice though- I had to get away from there- I just wasn't ready to emotionally accept it. Now I am- and I have. Good riddance- see you when and IF I am ready to come back. Uncertainty, thou art banished from my life forever.

Meanwhile, Alaska is quite lovely. I have never lived near mountains, or even really been near mountains this large. Oooohh! Ooooh! For the first time on this blog...photo courtesy of me!

Flew in last night at like...11:30 and Mo picked me up. I knew it was going to be light still, but actually experiencing it was a little bit strange. Flying in near sunset over the mountains was just beautiful because everything reflects the shades in the sunset.

I could not sleep on the plane because I was looking out the window the entire time. We flew right over Glacier N.P. in NW Montana, too...lovely as well. Tragically the Colorado Rockies were obscured by clouds, but no matter.

During that part of the trip I read a very interesting graphic novel, which is not typically a format I enjoy, but this was an exception. The Photographer is a true story about the man who had the nerve to follow the first medecins sans frontiers (Dr.s w.o Borders) into Afghanistan during the 1986 war with Russia, and definitely into harms way...good book- pick it up, enjoy.

Today Mo and I took a little walk down by the coast and up the trails into downtown. There are a lot of magpies here...and cormorants... who have a somewhat unpleasant call. More on that later.

4 More Days...Please Recommend Plane Literature...

As I sit here in my office for the first of 3 12-hour shifts this week...I have decided that I really cannot wait to get the hell out of here. No amount of re-organizing that I can do can make this place look good, and the staff keeps screwing up and getting pissy with eachother..and you know what? I don't really get paid enough to deal with it. So I'm taking the summer off. How nice for me.

That does not really mean that I am not having mixed feelings about leaving still. I love my job most days. I love my co-workers...most days. I hate that sometimes my job overlaps with other departments that I may not want to see for personal reasons...but that is beside the point.

Basically because of a slew of very strange circumstances, I find myself, for better or worse, with absolutely no responsibilities to anyone other than myself. So why not go to Alaska. Actually on some strange level I feel like everyone is doing it. It's the new trendy locale for college grads hoping to avoid responsibility for just a few more months...and get really nice crispy tans. I am hoping I can get a really nice crispy tan. Kinda like this....

Ok maybe not this extreme...but I am looking at the average UV Index for the area..and it's definitely tannable. Now for the weather up there...

Dear Alaska-

Do you think that you could consider getting into the 60's up there next week? I am thinking it would be a very nice welcome for me. OKTHNXBUHBYE.

Mags

I say this after my mom warned me that my Dr. warned me that I have some pre-cancerous spots on my face..or rather just one...but who cares- thats what sun block is for...and there is UV protection in my makeup...that I never wear...I'll buy some sunblock. Some day skin cancer scars will probably be some huge fad and if you are over 20 and havn't had a suspicious mole-ectomy, you will be clearly uncool...

I am told by a fellow tweep that Alaskan Amber is something to be admired, so I am getting pretty excited about the beer scene up there too. That's all for now...if you stumble upon this posting I'm taking suggestions for excellent plane reading...I don't do sappy..so please no jodi picoult or teusday's with maurie guy...blegh...no thanks. I'll pass on Into the Wild too...

Sorry for the long time between posts everyone...

I only had college graduation and finals and training staff and a break-up, many drunken nights and moving to deal with- so no excuse for my absence.

I spent all day yesterday applying for jobs in the Anchorage Area and talkin' to Mo (my roomie up there) about all the stuff we were going to do. Our place is like three blocks from some major trail networks, and I think I am going to buy a bike...though my lack of insurance may scare me out of that.

Some promising leads on the job front. Not too worried there. Gear tested my hammock this week and that worked great, so I'm hoping to do some light camping and backpacking. We are definitely going to do Denali and probably a day cruise to the Kenai Fjords? We'll see. I've been woefully negligent in paying attention to the politics up there.

I think the thing I am looking forward to the most is taking my own photographs. I am so ready for this trip its not even funny at this point. This city is finished with me for the time being. Dependant upon my job up there and how much I love it, I will be back, but I'm not trying to think too far in the future for now. It's just not time for that.

Irony: A healthy breakfast for certain Alaskan Politicians...

Goody goody goody! Gov. Palin's so crazy there's no way I could possibly have to worry about her phenomenal policies turning me into a closet republican...though she does make the occasional punditry amusing.

Who in their right mind would call for the fairly elected senator Mark Begich to step down simply because the Bush Admin's admitedly awesome (haha) justice dept. failed to make a good case against his predecessor, the mummified, calcified wing-nut known as Ted Stevens.

Side Note: Dear Ted Stevens: You are one lucky old man. Please retire and do not speak to the press. Foreign nations are watching. India and SE Asia are already taking our jobs (good bye factories, IT and hookers) and China is already trying to kill our old people by poisoning our dog food- we don't need any more nations wishing for our demise to think we are stupid enough to fall for this crap.
-A citizen for the promotion of ACTUAL American intelligence

So while I sit back and have a good chuckle at her expense, the implications of crazy people in Alaskan politics actually affecting the policy down here in the lower 48 are starting to emerge...like the idea that Gov. Palin could entertain the idea of a presidential bid...to which Sen. John McCain says..."She doesn't get my automatic vote." Ouch. How's that for a ringing endorsment.

I don't mind if she runs...she won't win. But I just have the tinyest issue with someone who has a fundamental lack of understanding with regard to irony being involved with American politics, where if anything is true, its that you get yours...maybe she should sign up for lessons with Alanis Morrissette.

Irony- Its like rain on your wedding day, or a green light when you are already late...its some good advice that you just can't take...its like teaching your daughter to wait to have sex when she's already knocked up? It's like being anti-abortion but then brutally chasing down pregnant momma wolves with airplanes and shooting them from the sky when they have no protection and are endangered elsewhere? Now you are getting it. Its like banning books in your hometown library and then accusing the media of controlling your image and the information available about you?

Irony is exactly the kind of thing that someone in power should have a good grasp on, because irony is in essence the way that the world decides to screw with you when you have gone against the world. Ask Pres. George W. (crack head alcoholic declaring war on drugs?), Pres. Bill Clinton (forced to accout and take responsibility for his actions, then pardoned 376 people for theirs?) and Sen. Larry Craig (passed anti-gay legislation before propositioning men for sex in an airport bathroom?) Yeah- I think a healthy sense of irony is necessary in American politics.

My Heartbreak? Mt. Redoubt, no doubt!

Well, because I am a sick person, my biggest disappointment for the week has been the eruption of Alaska's Mt. Redoubt. The Alaska Volcano Observatory reports that its continued violent eruption will likely wear out quickly. Today Alaska Airlines resumed flights over the area, and the ash has not spread as far as Anchorage.

So not only has this been a boring eruption, but I was not there to see it. Yes- if it is severe, and weather related- I want to be there. I'm the idiot standing there poking the lava flow with a stick, not showing the fear or reverance that a mighty volcano deserves.

So now because I am not standing in the middle of a natural disaster, I find myself bummed out. There are other volcano's on the "yellow" list for the observatory, but I want to see some destruction. (I know- sick!)



Meanwhile, this eruption has provided some lovely photos...

Post this on your blogs too....

Beer Wars- Watch and learn how corporate america is slaughtering our souls, feeding us budweiser and telling us its a great American Lager, feeding us McDonalds and calling it food, and then leaning back and smiling as they make a buck off of idiots...In other industries, I'm less hard core about this stuff...but with Beer?

The people making craft beer are so involved at every step. It is like the difference- literally-in drinking a bottle of boones and a 100 year old cab sauv. And people get duped by it. The truth is you are supporting large corporations that provide low wage factory jobs.

Wouldn't you rather support a local business with a 10 times better (at least) product, where the person who made it cares about it, cares about you and their employees, and wants to know what you think? I think so!...Go see this movie on the 16th of April, support its production, and support local beer.

I love college, but I am really looking forward to it being over.

<----Me right now. Just in case you were wondering.

I am listening to new albums from Razorlight and the Decemberists trying to chill my brain out after a truly painful week. It is helping a little bit.

Not as much as really really fresh air and visible stars...though a rock-opera about a girl named Margaret, her shape-shifting, forest dwelling bf, an evil queen and a murderer does to a good job of taking me someplace relatively far from the flourescent-lit education cave im sitting in.

These are the circumstances that lead my mind down a wondering path...like what if we had natural light and not flourescent light in all class rooms. Would I feel more chipper? What about tanning bed bulbs. That's an idea. Or what is with pageant kids- and more importantly, whats with their moms? And why are they all southern? As you can see my mind is a veritable steel trap- and it is also largely useless lately. Focus is the car I drive- and certainly the only type of focus I posess.

In a land of ice and snow and limited cell phone and internet access, I certainly hope I can quiet the more demonic aspects of my very unruly brain into something that can once again find focus and strength of purpose. I mean I have like a 400 pg. novel completely written in my head. Putting it down on paper should be nothing, but I can't find the internal focus to do it- even when I am not doing my homework either. I am over-stimulated and under-paid. I need to find a way to reverse that- less stimulation, more money. I am guessing it will take me at least a month to clear out all the random un-filed thoughts floating around up there...assuming I find some way to take it easy on any extraneous thoughts for the next few weeks, and assuming Alaska doesn't turn me into someone who cares about bristol's break-up.

Dear Michigan Summer...

I'll miss you most of all. Your big thunderstorms rolling in on your nice, sandy beaches, your perfect mix of warmth and humidity...your green, green trees...let's face it- Summer is about the only time of the year that it is consistantly gorgeous in Michigan, and you would be hard-pressed to find a better summer anywhere. It's winters, im here to say, can suck it! It's springs are moody and wishy-washy, and while fall is lovely, it is eclipsed by the fact that it comes right before winter, so it too sucks. Kind of like sunday being awesome except that its passing brings on monday...
No- I am most definitely a summer girl. And I will miss sunday v-ball with my family, and walking all over GR...I will miss summer beer fest, the 4th of July at the Lake..Venetian festival...
But, its just one summer, and i'll never be up-rootable like this again. And so I will wave good-bye to Michigan summers...and hunt down some sort of lighthouse/pier thing in Anchorage. I probably won't swim though- im guessing the north pacific is a bit chilly.
A breif aside...

Dear Chicago Socialites w. Second Homes Here...
I will not miss you. Please stop making our beaches as disgusting as yours. And tip your servers better if you insist on showing off how much money you have. And drive better. I will be back in sept. w. my driving finger ready for you- in my absence I expect my fellow Michiganders to pick up the slack.
<3 Maggie

OK now that that's out of the way...if anyone from Alaska stumbles upon this blog, I:
A- Would love to hear what's great about Anchorage in the summertime. And...
B- Promise not to be anything like rude Chicago people in your lovely state...really we don't even consider them to be mid-western.

Michigan Summer, tu me manques...Save a brat for me...

The Real Reason I'm Going to Alaska

OK not really, but this struck me as funny. The video explains the basics, but in essence, this small town had a male to female ratio of 10-1- and the one woman who is represented had clearly seen better days. As it would seem ( though I'm almost certain...almost...that this is a joke) the men of Ravenstoke wanted to attract more women to town. To do that, they did the obvious thing- the sprayed the whole kit and caboodle down with what appears to be some mixture of pheremones and axe...talk about your heavy chemical pollutants! I thought it was clean up there! Anyways, it appears to have worked as the town is now flooded with women and over-sexed animals...but thats just one town out of thousands...In all liklihood the sausage fest continues, though I have no intention of taking advantage of these odds- I'll just be dispatching back for all you bachelorettes out there.

Questions I Have for Myself

As I embark on day 2 of this projet brillant, I find myself wondering many things, some of them superficial, some very serious, like:

• What do the distribution patterns for Michigan Craft Brews look like? and,
• What about my stupid boy? and,
• How can I, of commie-loving, folk-music-adoring, energy-efficient fame, ever really hack it in the land of gun-toting, Sarah Palin-electing, taxless Alaska ?

I ask these things not without concern. As strange as it is, I am highly partial to Michigan Beer, and I don't see much in AK that isn't macro-sludge, or the moderately better Canadian macro-sludge. My mother would call this a notable boon to my waistline, but who has two thumbs and is serious about craft beer? This girl right here. Perhaps I could get the secondarily mentioned stupid boy to ship me a supply... Or maybe you can get the West-Coast micros up there. I can deal with that. My uncle is shipping me some Pliny...If I like it I'll convert my beer-ituality to a more west-coast hop-head style.

And stupid is an unfair label for the boy- he is really one of the smartest people I know, and the person to whom I come home...who loves to tell me about his day when he's not being crabby. I will have to be confident in our excellent telephone skills, and supress the crazy welling up within. Hopefully when I get home, he will actually have missed me.

Regarding the last bulletted point, there is an actual fear there. If the previously mentioned boy can make me almost totally give up my argument on why guns are bad, what will happen to me when I'm surrounded by energetically conservative meth fiends. I have prepared many fool-proof-but-polite protective arguments to shield my values and ego, but what happens when I feel them attacked en masse. Can I possibly withstand it, or will I feel myself cowed into Zombie-Republicanism (the worst form that requires willingly placing pieces of your brain into the mouths of the 7 hounds of hell; Limbaugh, Hannity, Coulter, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Bush, and Big Oil).

I feel I am strong enough to withstand the pressure, but I'm not sure I can do so warplessly. I will probably quit joking about abortion or something...it will only cause my soul to fracture a little bit.

So...what am I going to do up there for all that time? I will definitely be looking for a real job, and a little part time one while I'm there. I will be exploring, but that is in my nature where ever I roam, I will be helping Mo, and I will be doing A LOT of writing. There is free-lance for the taking up there- there is a novel to finish, and a sitcom to collaborate on with the boy. My expenses will be minimal. Almost non-existant. And after 5 years of college, my spirit is feeling a little splintered. I will be repairing it, and I will be having fun.

Cementing a Plan

How exactly does one just wake up and go...f my life...im moving to Alaska. In truth, the plan had been kicking around the old noodle for a while, and like all things preternaturally pre-ordained by...well...by whatever, I just had to wait for a way.
Given that the word plan enters my vocabulary very infrequently, and even less when the words long-term come before it, this moment of clarity is quite shocking, so I thought, gee...I should document and share with the world. But the story doesn't start here.
It starts with a quarter-life crisis, like every other great adventure story...and you folks were hoping for some originality.
Maggie was lost. Two college degrees, a rocking internship with a U.S. Senators Office, and she still had no idea what to do with herself, or where to do it. It seemed she had picked the worst time imaginable to graduate college and start looking for a job in Michigan. After a lot of hopelessness and one very long night spent contemplating the adult ads on craigslist, she realized she had to get out.
Sure she had furniture and a boy who loved her...kind of...but thats what storage is for...well..not the boy...but you get the picture...Who knows what they want to do at 22 anyways? It sounded like a good time for a crazy plan. She used to be the queen of them, and she had been recently disappointed by her boring, non-spontaneous, churlish and overall lack-luster life. What better way to thin an apartment full of crap and a life full of half-committed relationships, anyway? - She would be back in three months to see if any of it was real.
At the exact same moment, hear dear friend Mo was having a crisis of her own. Her hubby had dragged her all the way to Anchorage, dropped trou, stuffed her oven full of bun, and marched off in to battle...and so she found herself in Alaska, lonely and hormonal. She begged and pleaded with all her freinds to visit...and Maggie thought...why not...you should always help the diseased...I'll do more than visit! I'LL STAY! Facing down the front end of her dream to live among the moose and caribou, she somehow talked her roomie into ending their lease, her sister into taking her car, and Expedia into agreeing to very low plane fare. Thus, a crazy plan had cemented itself and destiny was taking shape.
Approximately 90 days from now and she would be collecting her degree in the mail, having a rummage sale, moving to Anchorage, and buying a bike...if she was going to live in the wilderness, she may as well get her ass in shape...